CONGRESSIONAL GOP CALLS FOR AIRSTRIKES TO QUELL VIOLENCE

By R.U. Syryous
BPI Correspondent

   WASHINGTON -- Congressional Republicans today accused President Barack Obama of again embarrassing the United States on the world stage by failing to show the nation's resolve to combat violence wherever it occurs.
   "Airstrikes are the answer to violence, we know that. It's been proven time and time again," said Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., who still hasn't gotten over being trounced as the GOP presidential candidate in 2008. "There is nothing that delivers our message of peace like bombing the crap out of those who resort to violence."
   McCain, a former Navy pilot who was shot down and surrendered in Vietnam, pointed out that he has previously called for airstrikes in Libya, in Syria, in Iran and in Iraq.
   "I'm a great believer in airstrikes, as long as I'm not the one who has to fly the missions, and I think I speak for all of my fellow Republicans in Congress when I say that a couple of big bombs from above will usually do the trick," McCain said.
  "Whenever I see violence anywhere in the world my immediate thought is airstrikes and there is violence going on right now that our weak, so-called president is allowing to continue without using the best remedy he has at hand," McCain said.
   "When violence broke out in Libya, in Syria and in Iraq, I said we must counter it with airstrikes. Well, it's well past time to call in airstrikes to end the continuing violence in Ferguson, Mo.," McCain said, adding that if he did not call for airstrikes in this instance it would be "the most hypocritical thing I've done since promising in my concession speech to support President Obama as much a possible and calling on my fellow Republicans in Congress to do the same."
   When called on for comment, House Speaker John Boehner, R-Ohio, wiped away a tear and would say only, "I'll drink to that."
   Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, R-Ky., was even more cautious saying  only that before he could answer he would like to consult with the Koch brothers to see what then wanted him to do.
   Kentucky's junior senator, 2016 Republican presidential hopeful Rand Paul, took the Libertarian point of view.
   "As a Libertarian, I think people should be able to do whatever they want to do as long as it doesn't keep someone else from doing what they want to do. So, if John McCain wants to call in airstrikes on Ferguson, he should be able call in airstrike on Ferguson so long as it doesn't harm anyone else and as long as we don't have use the people's money to make infrastructure repairs and raise taxes afterward," Paul said.
   Republican political strategist Karl Rove said "there is, as always, an upside and a downside, for his party in supporting airstrikes to quell the violence in Ferguson."
   "The upside, of course, is that it would really energize our base. I mean, the Ku Klux Klan, for instance, would be positively ecstatic," Rove said.
   "The downside is that it could cost us votes from the African-American community, particularly, I guess, in what would be left of their neighborhoods in Ferguson. But, what the hell, those people don't vote for us anyway."
 

PERRY DEVISES PLAN TO FIGHT "POLITICAL" INDICTMENT

By R. U. Syryous
BPI Correspondent

"We're gonna kick Travis County clean outta the state of Texas, that oughta show
'em they can't mess with me," indicted Texas Gov. Rick Perry said this morning.

   Texas Gov. Rick Perry has devised a plan to fight what he says is a "politically based" indictment handed down against him Friday by a Travis County Grand Jury.
   "I've spoke to my legal team and we've decided we ain't gonna let 'em git away with this. So, my lawyers have come up with what they see as a fool-proof plan -- meaning even I can't screw it up -- to fight this politically motivated indictment," Perry said this morning.
   "It's kinda inspired by the plans I used to have, before I decided that I want to to be president, to git Texas to secede from the Union, but with what my lawyers say is an ingenious -- or was that ungenious -- twist," said Perry, who is Texas' first sitting governor to be indicted in nearly a century and the first indicted former Texas A&M cheerleader in anyone's memory.
   Perry said the plan involves him calling an immediate special session of the legislature, during which the only piece of legislation to be introduced will be a bill that would "expel Travis County from the state of Texas, forcing it to become its own, much smaller state," Perry said.
   "Once we've done that, my lawyers will fight extradition. And we sure oughta be able to steamroll the new teeny, tiny state of Travis," Perry boasted.
   "Heck, who needs Travis County anyways. It's loaded with liberals and commies and people who don't like guns and who support un-American, un-Christian things like equal rights, same-sex marriage and marijuana. It's a blight on the face of Texas," Perry said.
   When he was reminded that Austin, the state capital, is in Travis County, Perry said, "yeah, well, we gotta plan for that, too."
   During the special session, my fellow Republicans will also approve a bill that will move the state capital to Jasper where they love guns and pickup trucks and are good Christians who understand the need for political corruption and know how to deal with minorities and illegal immigrants." In Jasper in 1998, Jame Byrd Jr., an African-American, was dragged to death behind a pickup truck.

PALIN SUFFERS DANIEL-DAVY IDENTITY CRISIS

Sarah Palin suffers crisis over frontier hero identities

By R. U. Syryous

BPI Correspondent

  WASILLA, Alaska (BPI) -- Sarah Palin admitted today that she has been suffering from an identity crisis.

   "It hasn't been a crisis over my identity, sillies. I'm still the maverick I always was, you betcha," she said with her customary exaggerated wink.

   Palin said the identity crisis she's been suffering is over coonskin-capped American frontiersmen Daniel Boone and Davy Crockett.

   "I've been trying to get singer and good Christian American Pat Boone to appear on my new TV network and he's related to Daniel Boone, or at least I think he is because they have similar last names, and, hecky darn, if I didn't start thinking that Daniel

Fess Parker as Daniel Boone

Boone was with those fellas at the Alamo fighting Mexican illegal immigration," Palin said.

Fess Parker as Davy Crockett

  She was later informed that the coonskin-capped frontiersman at the Alamo was Davy Crockett and that many of the folks inside the Alamo were the illegal immigrants of the day.

  "Nope, gotta tell ya, I wasn't really embarrassed by that confusion because I long ago stopped being flustered by my stupid mistakes," Palin said confidently.

  "Besides, it's real easy to understand how anybody could make that mistake. I mean for crying out loud, Fess Parker played both of them. So, really it's his fault not mine and I think that President Obama also shares a lot of the blame with Parker," Palin said, deftly shifting responsibility for her bonehead error.

  "Of course, it doesn't help that all those coonskin caps look the same to me." she added.

Obama triple-dog dares House Republicans

President Barack Obama triple-dog dares Congressional Republicans to impeach.

By R.U. SYRYOUS

BPI Correspondent

   WASHINGTON (BPI) -- It's already peach season in Georgia, but impeach season may still be weeks away on Capitol Hill.

   Many Republican House of Representatives members are just itching to start impeachment proceeding against President Barack Obama but apparently are still waiting for something big that poses as an at least  quasi-valid reason to attempt to unseat the nation's chief executive.

   And Obama says he is about to toss them a bone.

  Sources close to the president said that if Congress doesn't do something on immigration reform by the end of the summer, Obama likely will take significant action on his own.

   "The president told me that he not only double-dog dares House Republicans to impeach him, but he's going straight for the dreaded triple-dog dare and hopes they all get their tongues stuck to a frozen metal pipe," the source said.

  The impeachment hornets' nest was kicked over when House Speaker John Boehner, R-Ohio, threatened to sue the president for alleged abuse of power, a contention that caught real progressives and liberals by surprise since they don't think Obama has been nearly abusive enough.

  Meanwhile, Boehner -- who has only agreed with the president on those rare occasions when he's had one to few Martinis at lunch -- said he does not favor impeachment, contending that the process would likely require the House to cancel far too many vacation days.

  A source close to Boehner insisted that the whole suit threat is really the result of a misunderstanding anyway.

  "What the speakers actually said, after a night out on the town, was that he wanted to "shoo" Obama. You know, like make him just go away. But when he said it, a bunch of the Tea Party Republicans assumed he was hung over again and just slurring his words and they took the "sue Obama" idea and just ran with it like a bunch of weasels trying to have sex with a football," the source said.

  Upset that Boehner is trying to distance himself from the call for impeachment, Sen. Ted Cruz, R-Texas, said he may try to unseat the speaker and have himself chosen as the successor.

  When he was informed that a senator can't be speaker of the house, Cruz threw himself on the floor and began holding his breath, kicking his heels and pounding his fists, but stopped when his face started turning blue which he feared might cause a group of elderly tourists -- who apparently didn't know who he was and had  stopped to watch -- to suspect he was a Democrat.

  "See, that's what's wrong with our government," the freshman senator said, after clamming down enough to talk. "All these rules and regulations keep making it impossible for me to do what I want to do....errr, I mean what the country needs done."

SMARK opposes refugee soccer invasion

Lilly White (right), president and Annie Lush (farther right), vice president, lead
SMARK anti-immigration protesters rallying in Dallas earlier this week.

By R. U. SYRYOUS

BPI Correspondent

   DALLAS (BPI) -- Tens of members of Soccer Moms Against Refugee Kids (SMARK) rallied here this week to protest a "blatant attempt by foreigners to seize control of American youth soccer"

 "If we don't stop it here and now, all these filthy little beggars sneaking into our country from south of the border will be stealing the starting positions on every youth soccer team in America," said SMARK President Lilly White.

   "It's bad enough that all them Indian kids are here winning all of our spelling and geography bees. Now, we have to draw the line somewhere and this is it," said SMARK Vice President Annie Lush.

   SMARK members believe that if they don't halt the influx of young refugees from Central America, "pretty soon every kid who gets and playing time at all on our youth soccer teams will be named Gomez," White said.

   "When these illegal invaders are born, their first rattle is a soccer ball filled with stones. It's gotta stop," Lush insisted.